All his base are belong to us

Interesting day. OSHU for a evaluation and IQ test & get paid for it. I love it when they say you wont have time to finish all the questions in time & I have to go get them when I do. Wouldn't say what I actually scored. She said its not allowed. But her eyes got big when she figured it, so must be good.

Goddammit I was supposed to hear back about a job today.

Later I made a trek to fucking Beaverton for a Happy Hour at Hall St Bar. This is one of the very few good places in fucking Beaverton. This was all planned very last minute and a friend asked me on FB if she could order me something before I got there, as it was unlikely I'd make the Happy Hour cutoff. I asked her to get me the lettuce wraps. People there immediately were convinced my security has been breached. Why would Pete order something healthy?

Ahh, my friends know me.

Was having a good time til a troglodyte showed up that doesn't particularly like me for some reason. I don't care about her feelings, because she is an ugly person, inside and out. I just didn't know it was going to be that kind of thing tonight. And I probably wouldn't have come. Then, when I wasn't paying attention, some brainiac decided they were going to a fucking Michael Jackson memorial tribute later. I said fuck that and left. He's molesting kids in heaven now. I don't feel a need to think of him any more. He probably has a hourly appointment with Satan to jam a pineapple up his ass. Dry baby, dry.

I was disappointed a promising evening fell apart so quick, so I cruised around fucking Beaverton a little before returning home to the promised land. Wondered what the fuck Sesame Donuts is & stopped in. It is exactly Dunkin Donuts. Its not "like" Dunkin Donuts, but EXACTLY Dunkin fuckin' Donuts.

Fuck yeah! and Fuck no! I love Dunkin Donuts, but don't need them right now. I've been eating so well all day and most the week.

Flash forward 10 minutes and I'm blasting Metallica, cramming a Toasted Coconut down my noise hole while going 95mph over Marquam Bridge to get back to the promised land of Northeast Portland as quickly as possible.

A brief beautiful moment as I speed across the bridge approaching 100 mph while the little wafer of sun going down is descending behind the West Hills.

Fuck, I'd better hurry. The vampires are waking soon.

Random things said

"I like to help the elderly carry heavy shit while barking at the moon."

"Mr. Vice President Al Gore gave us the interwebz and only he can take it away."

I dream of strippaz

I wrote this immediately after waking. Its unusual, because I don't ever recall having a stripper dream before and while Berlin is really hot, she doesn't seem to be the one I've been drawn to. I would have thought I'd dream of Juels or that Iris chick.

"I dreamt of Berlin. I went to a place she was working (not Devil’s Point) and we just seemed to be more intimate then we have been. She sat next to me and we were chatting before her set, then we were kind of leaning against each other & that turned into snuggling & me feeding her cherries. She was really tired & passed out in an awkward position so I carried her (light as a feather) to a couch & we just lay there together & she told me she’s not really like this “whole dancing thing”. She’s actually a really sweet girl and makes a great girlfriend. She told me shes sensed I like her and there seems like there is a lot more to me then meets the eye. We each said we really liked each other. Then behind her, a Stripparaoke ad came on with her in it to announce her shift coming on and she turned her dancer persona on & got ready to work. I watched for a bit. I looked for the steel bowl I brought the cherries in and she jokingly said she threw it away, then pointed to where she put it in the back. I said good, I hate all that recycling & earth crap anyway & I was planning on clubbing some baby seals and maybe a whale later anyway. I put my keys on the sofa to mark my spot & went to get the bowl and I woke up."

I've been eating really clean all week, then last night before bed I backslid a little and had some Poutine & it gives me weird (but nice!) dreams.

Testee news

No, its not news about "my testes". I'm going to be "a" testee. They want to take pics of my brain while they ask me questions. I've always wanted to do stuff like this. Starting tomorrow. And I'm actually getting a few bucks for it too. Its a win/win.

I'm also glad of this because I'd like to be extra sure there isn't a tiny little alien in there pulling levers and stuff, making me move around like that one guy inside the jeweler dude in the movie M.I.B.

What a surprise that would be for them, huh? They'd probably just incinerate the room with me and everyone involved inside it.

I'm very excited about this, but it has made me late for a Happy Hour tonight with some pretty babies.

Oh well. This is the price that must be paid for science and the betterment of mankind.

I'm sure not going to let it make me miss my game night tonight, though.

What a week. David Byrne concert on Tuesday, now this. Maybe a job offer tomorrow will top it off?

Its late

Been a stressful day. I need to go get my pimp cup and pour myself something crunkalicious.

A Letter to Cigar

Hello Cigar,

Why do you taunt me?

When I want you, I kinda really want you. I crave your company. And lately, the more I spend time with you, the more I desire you. This might be partly because summer is really coming on now. At night, I like chilling with you and my dog on the front porch. Watching the sun go down & drinking a beer with you is sublime. You are great relaxation.

You had me at Puff Puff.

But when I need to be with you, I find myself not really wanting to.

Why would I need to be with you? You are merely a sample of a kind I've been wanting to try while waiting for more of you to arrive. More has just arrived, but now I find myself not really interested in you. If I want a bundle of you at a good price, I need to light you up & decide to get onboard. Or not.

Why do you play with my emotions like this?

I look forward to your reply.


Sincerely,

The guy that is going to eventually light you on fire.

quick note to self

explore bridging goal setting/learning style/action plans & community as a business

Little more about myself- jobs.

For jobs, I’ve been a fishmonger, fried chicken (3 days at KFC!), built cabinets (1 1/2 days!), delivered pizza, worked as an electician (bought $500 worth of tools and worked 3 days as an apprentice!) worked on a tree ranch and at an industrial chemical company.

I've been a video clerk, a soldier, worked in a deli, collected money, repo’d cars, worked as an art broker, been a corporate trainer, worked in project management and managed parts of a call center.

One of my most memorable jobs was in high school, as a fishmonger (selling fish). Lots of good stories doing that.

One time a lobster got his rubber band off & I held it up to a co-worker and as a joke, said "Hey, put your finger in there." I had no idea the moron would actually do it & that lobster literally almost took his finger off. Blood everywhere. I could not believe the stupidity that involved.

We'd have crab fights. Have them face each other & rap them on their backs and they'd attack.

The one thing they told me not to ever, never ever do was drop the live tank filter into the cleaning tank, cuz somebody had to physically go in there and get it. This thing was in the back and like 12 feet deep.

What did I do? Accidently dropped it in on the busiest day of the year-New Years Eve. Manager was pissed he had to jump in & get it. I'm just really, really glad he didn't make me jump in there. I probably would have just quit, instead.

I also cooked most the crabs and cleaned the live tanks. I probably ate more crab than I sold when I was shelling it. And godamm did I stink after a shift. The funny part is you really do stop smelling it yourself for some reason. So you're really just a smelly nuisance to others. Especially getting in a car with somebody if you didnt shower. Good times.

I ate more seafood during that time than any other time in my life.
Overall, that was a pretty good job.

I've probably done more jobs. Got to think on it.

Cuz it's Friday, you ain't got no job....

Interview Wednesday has me off my game. I need a job. Fucking money. I'd like to punch money right in the balls for being naughty & teasing me and making me want it so bad.

Semi typical Friday. A late breakfast with a friend, chicken fried steak. That's not her name. Then picked up some beer, a cigar, some spiced rum, some cigars somewhere else (all different places) to prep for the weekend. Hung out at the cigar store & chatted with the guys there. Jezzus the owner there is a big muthafucka. Was reduced to drinking a fucking rootbeer with my smoke, cuz they can't sell beer. Not a lot of choices.

Thats just ridiculous.

Talked about maybe bringing like 10 people in before we hit a club some night. Said they'd stay open late if I did that. I think that'd be good.

Came home, checked email (nuthin) and went to dinner at Esparzas with another friend.

Actualy, not a typical Friday. Quiet. Still. Still waters run deep. Its like my mind is tear-assing around the living room without actually moving. Craving activity. The calm before the storm tomorrow night? Another party at Tom's. Those are usually pretty good. Plan on spending the night. Getting wrecked & seeing what happens. Was funny when Jordana flipped me out of the hammock last time. She is stronger than she looks.

Then its Pirate Mike's Birthday at Devil's Point Sunday & they're doing a Pirate theme night in his honor. You know that'll be good, baby.

I am disappointed Jules is no longer dancing at Devil's Point, though. We had something special. Stopped by Doc's today. I heard she was maybe dancing there. No dice. Maybe she's gone legit?

Naw......

Spoiler Alert? We don't need no stinkin' Spoiler Alerts!

There is a spoiler alert for at imdb.com for “American Gokkun”.

Are they fucking joking?

Psychokinesis experiments - Day #2

Spent most the day at the park. I've been attempting to learn how to kill pigeons with the power of my mind. Results so far have been disappointing.

Must remember to be patient.

Great quote

Came across a guy with a blog that's just fascinated by Wendy's burger, The Baconator. I thought this was hilarious-

"Place your diapers in the freezer the night before you eat a Baconator."

Intrigue, a most Machiavelian game...

I wrote this summary over a year ago & just happened apon it-

Dec 12, 2007

"You really need to break people down in this game if you're in it to win it.

A woman I played against broke a deal with me early on in the game, so I focused everyone else's attention on her throughout the remainder. She since has told me she's had actual nightmares about this game.

Isn't that awesome?

Probably the meanest game I've played.

I was referred to as a "most emotionally handicapped psychopath" as character reference to how I played this out.

I love this game. Gotta play it with people that can leave that behind them, though.

A ninja at 24 HR Fitness

I got on the Stairmaster today & in addition to the normal female eye candy present, I was spellbound by a Ninja in the step aerobics class. This guy was awesome. He was a little skinny Japanese dude, probably 30 years old, with a rising sun headband on. What caught my eye was this dude was really moving! He was seriously moving twice as fast as anyone else in there. For every kick, he was doing 2 kicks, and high ones. He would add jumps & twists. He was a little dervish out there. In an hour, this guy must have burnt 2000+ calories. It was just hilarious to watch.

I couldn't even concentrate properly on the normal talent on the machines in front of me.

In his lifetime, what’s an average number of drinks for a man to get thrown in his face?

I'm just askin'.

First time-

One time I was drinking with about 15-20 co-workers after work. Stef was there, along with her boyfriend, Little Pete. I was friends with both these jokers. We all partied together often. I'd taken Stef SCUBA diving before, even though that pissed "The Demon" (my ex) off beyond belief, there was nothing there. I thought so, anyway. Even though Stef did have a mean, tight little body.

Anyway, when she dragged me out on the dance floor around the corner from where Little Pete was playing pool, I didn't really think about it. Until she started making out with me. I was surprised & initially relaxed into it. Then I tried to detach myself. What the fuck was this?

It wasn't easy trying to disengage. She was an aerobics instructor & it felt like I was trying to wrestle a ham sandwich away from an octopus. She was a strong little spider-monkey.

I said, "What are you doing?" The look she gave me was totally mischievous. She was a little drunk, but not that much. I started walking back to our table. She has this pouty expression, stomped her foot & followed me back.

Then, like, an hour later (around 1 A.M.-ish) we were all starting to get pretty hammered. I was sitting at the table across from Stef & there were 4 other people at the table. I don't even remember what the fuck I said & I suddenly had her martini tossed in my face. The waitress just delivered it, so it was ice cold. All I remember was "What the fuck?" and thinking how cold it was & I wish I'd had my mouth open.

I actually might have said something that made me deserve it that time. I think we were talking about when I left my bra in her microwave at the costume party.

A lot of crazyness at that party. Everytime you opened a door at that party, you'd catch a different couple people porking away at each other. I remember one of her friends was getting spit-roasted by a couple dudes in the bathroom & we just left the door open for awhile. They didn't seem to care.

But who knows what I really said or if I deserved it when I got the drink thrown at me. We were all drunk as fuck.

*I should have hit that, though.

Coming soon! - “You will regret all the ones you don’t screw.” Wise words.

Everything I know I learned from Loveline.

Or “No daddy, don’t hit me. It’s picture day tomorrow."

*Sorry, for the second part of that. It’s a desperate attempt to bring some humor into this depressing situation.

Listen to Loveline radio show, people. Dr. Drew will help you understand why people do some of the shit they do. At times its funny as hell, too. An example of the funny would be like when a stoner calls wondering why he can't get it up anymore, or something like that.

It's a nationally syndicated show. In Portland, you can catch it Sunday-Thursday nights from 10pm to midnight. Check it out.


Anyway, back to it-

Now, what the hell? I’ve had, like, zero important personal conversations in the last weeks, maybe months. Nil. Zip. NADA. Then, all off a sudden two female friends tell me they’re currently in abusive relationships. One of them I'm especially concerned about.

This is two different women within the same 12 hour period. What the hell is that? Where did that come from? I basically went to bed after talking to one & woke up talking to another.

I love women. I’ve never hit a woman.

I don’t condone violence against women. I love my female friends.

My advice? Walk the fuck away. Run the fuck away. Run away like O.J. Life is too short. You should be asking yourself “which beating is the one that kills me”. It’s like playing Russian Roulette and getting off on it.

Eventually you will lose.

But I don’t think either one of them listened to me.

People need to listen to Loveline more. I think it would help a lot of people square their shit away.

Coming soon - "Lesbian Karaoke. Code name: King Lesbian"

Which of my friends would "fart" me?

La Grande Bouffe. A French movie (subtitled) from like, 1972.

How great does this movie sound? A description from imdb.com:

"A group of men hire some prostitutes and go to a villa in the countryside. There, they engage in group sex and resolve to eat themselves to death."

Goddamn that is a recipe for a great movie! Everybodys gotta die. Why not go out in style?

I knew I had to see this when Marco described it to me. It didn't disappoint.

Everyone needs to see this at least once. Especially the vegetarians.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QiMK4HpG2yg

What a way to go, spending your last week on Earth with your friends. Group sex with prostitutes. Stuffing your face with food becomes so strenuous that a friend has to help feed you souffle from a mountainous platter & help "fart" you to releive the gas.

Fuck it. Call the "Make a Wish Foundation". This is how I want to die.

A brief bio

Hi.

Allow me to introduce myself.

I’m 40, single, never married, a little out of shape, brown hair, green eyes, pretty muscular, have all my hair and teeth. Goddamned good looking, if I have to say so myself. I usually sport a van dyke & I don’t shave much, so I am pretty scruffy-faced usually. I have a house & a car & a dog.

My employment status is currently unemployed. I used to make good money, especially for being single, not having a lot of debt and only having to answer to myself. I used to travel a lot for work. While travelling, everything was paid for, so that was even more money for me.

Currently, I’m finding it impossible to get a job. I look a lot, & apply on average for 8-10 jobs a week. This sucks. Fucking economy.

When I was working, I didn’t used to do much besides work and go to the gym. This bout of unemployment has shown me how to fill my time (when I’m not looking for a job) with fun activities and hobbies. I guess that’s one good result of this unemployed period.

Ahhh, hobbies.

Oh yes, I have hobbies.

I love my dog. I take her to the dog park. I take her for walks. Brush her & love her. She’s a scamp. A very stubborn shepherd-rott mix. She is 120 pounds of attitude in an 80 pound dog. She’s also a counter-surfer. Food is not safe on the kitchen counter when I’m out of the house. I rescued her when she was a year and a half old & she really had some rough edges then. She’s a little over four now & perfect, though still stubborn. She’s a sweetheart.

I really like Euro games. These are German strategy board-games. I organize a group in Portland on Thursday nights that about 30-40 people attend. I’ll have a lot more on games later.

I like to drink to excess at times when I know it is totally safe and driving is not going to be a factor. I hate the idea of drinking & driving.

Stripparaoke is a fun way to spend a Sunday evening. Stripparaoke is where you perform Karaoke on stage with a stripper up there with you doing her thing. This happens at Devil’s Point. This is the best club in Portland.

I also really like good coffee and cigars. And parties.

I’m still single ladies. Any takers?

*Coming soon - "Fucking and Punching: A story about Robin" Stay tuned!

"You have PORN in your living room."

Contrary to what you thought, you had very low self-esteem. You weren't honest with yourself about this. I tried to be supportive. I told you that you were pretty. I was kind to you. All that shit.

But you told me that I had porn in my living room. I was like, "What??? What are you talking about?" I keep a nice, respectable looking house. (I keep any and all twisted shit hidden and out of sight). When I pressed, you whipped out a G.Q. magazine with Jessica Alba on the cover and some Maxim magazines out of a magazine holder next to my couch where they had been for months and threw them at me. "Here! See? PORN!!! In your living room!!!"

I was almost speechless. I've never heard of GQ & Maxim being considered "porn" before.

You really think that GQ & the like is porn??? What kind of crack are you smoking? Didn't mommy and daddy hug you enough? I'm sorry if dad didn't pay enough attention to you. Please don't take this out on me.

This should have been a LOUD and CLEAR signal to me. I should have gotten in my white Bronco and rode away from there like OJ, but it was at my house.

Listen, it's a good thing you didn't find any real porn. It can strain a relationship to try and explain the entertainment value of some good quality, gross out, disgusting porn.

You either get it or you don't.

To someone that thinks GQ is porn, how the hell would they classify something like "2 Girls, 1 Cup", or geriatric midget porn?

Now...please don't think that I get off on that kind of shit. I don't. I really don't. Those are just examples of things I find sick and funny, not arousing in any way. And I think its amusing to show it to unsuspecting people.

Like I said, you either get it or you don't.

PS-If you've read this far, why not go the extra step? Go search for "Kermit the Frog reacts to 2 girls one cup" on Youtube. That's some funny shit, too.

Coming soon....a little about me. A personal Bio

First of all - A preemptive apology

If you have been offended by something you read here, I am sorry. If I haven't offended you yet, please be patient. I'll get around to offending you as soon as possible.

If you feel a need to hit me, I'm in Portland, Oregon.

Shower Beer, a definition

"Shower Beer" - A beer consumed while in a shower. Does not neccessarily need to be beer. Basically any alcoholic beverage consumed while taking a shower.

The quality of the experience is enhanced by:

1. how tired & exhausted you are. The more beat down you are, the better that beer tastes.
2. how hot the shower is. The hotter the better.
3. how cold that beverage is. The colder the better.

Optimum pleasure is ultimately obtained from the contrast of the hot shower & the cold beverage.

Brrrrrr.

Coming soon - You've got PORN in your living room!